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Doggie Dictionary

Author unknown

LEASH:  A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED:   Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guestroom or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL:  Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: 

A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.  Also known as Doggie Caller ID.

GARBAGE CAN:  A container, which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES:  Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes and you prance away.
DEAFNESS:  This is a malady, which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER:  This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET:  This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS:  Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH:  This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN:  Every good dog's response to the command 'sit!', especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP:  The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP:  A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. (See above.)
LOVE:  Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show our love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return

 

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, s/he is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

 

 

 

Note: To the best of my knowledge, these are within the public domain. If you know where either of them, please email me so that I may investigate. I always try to give credit wherever possible!

  Revised: October 02, 2006

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